A client, a husband and father, sat in my office, reflecting about the steep decline that had occurred in his ten-year relationship. “It’s unbelievable… completely unbelievable! How did we ever get to this point?!”
Blog & Resources
The Courage to Look Within
Posted June 24, 2011
The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough, or sane enough, to deal with.
To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes.
~ Pema Chodron
I was ready to kill him.
The hike was 4 miles in, 4 miles out. Up to a supposedly breathtaking panoramic view of the Methow Valley. Out beyond those acres and acres of scorched trees lay our destination. Somewhere.
The hike began on paths winding through arched fields of sunflowers and towering pines, the sky a cerulean blue. We felt giddy with the beauty of it all. Then came a steep and exhausting switchback. Hot and dusty, I kept thinking, It’s just around the corner. Keep going, the ridge will be just around the corner.
Not even close.
Simplicity
Posted May 20, 2011
Simplicity if not an objective in art,
one achieves simplicity despite one’s self
by entering into the real sense of things.
~ Constantin Brancusi
When you wake up in the morning, pause. Just for a few seconds.
Pause and contemplate all that you have to be grateful for.
The comfort of your bed. The gift of sight. The roof above your head. The sweet fragrance of the lilacs you cut and placed on the kitchen table the day before. Your health. The neighbor who smiled and waved on his way to work. The friend you know will always be there when you call. Your partner breathing softly beside you.
For this day, be grateful.
True Love
Posted March 11, 2011
“I’m not in-love with him any more,” a wife said sadly in my office this week.
She had been. Once, over a decade ago. Before the brutal murder of her husband’s younger sister. Before the years of tracking down the killer, the long, long trial, the life-sentence in prison. Before the birth of their own two children. Before Todd’s promotion at work that required 70-80 hours a week at the office. Once, a long, long time ago Carol had been in love with her husband.
When her sister-in-law’s life had been taken in an unimaginable way, Todd had changed. He became bitter, withdrawn, angry. “Who wouldn’t?” said Carol.
I certainly would have, I thought to myself.
Home
Posted February 6, 2011
John Gottman took his 35 years of research on the masters (and disasters) of marriage and distilled it down into the concept of the Sound Relationship House. The seven levels of the house depict his understanding on what creates a strong, viable relationship. [1]
Surviving Hard Times
Posted November 9, 2010
In a recent Op-Ed in the New York Times, titled How Marriage Survives, Justin Wolfers examined current statistics on marriage. He noted that the numbers have not changed significantly with the recent recession, thus concluding, “Truly, the recession has not torn young couples apart; it has pushed them closer together.”
Could have fooled me.
Relational Toolkit
Posted October 15, 2010
The skills needed to be a successful broker, a gifted carpenter, a dedicated schoolteacher or a fighter pilot, are not the same skills called upon to be a good partner. As adults we spend the vast majority of our time in our livelihood, be it an occupation or be it raising children and running a home. Many skills that are valuable in a professional or business setting, are actually detrimental in certain arenas of an intimate relationship. (Read more…)
Relational Duct Tape
Posted October 5, 2010
As much as I would love to, I cannot take credit for this great metaphor. Hats off to Andy Greendorfer, a brilliant clinician in Seattle who said:
‘Repair’ is the duct tape of relationship – it’s versatile, it’s strong and a little bit can go a long way. Effective repair is like hitting the reset button. It gets communication back on track.
So true, so completely true.
The concept of Repair is another gem from John Gottman’s research on the “Masters of marriage. Repair are those expressions – verbal and nonverbal – used during or after conflict to soothe, to invite softness or to maintain connection with one’s partner.
John’s research shows that the masters of marriage stumble as much as the rest of us. What they do differently is they are consistently gentle with one another; they are kind and they right their boat quickly by ‘repairing’.
Examples of relational repairs are accepting responsibility, offering an apology or a touch. Taking a step toward one’s partner’s point of view is a very potent form of repair: ”I didn’t think of it that way. What you’re saying makes a ton a sense.” ”You’re right. I really was defensive.”
Repair early and repair often.
Navigating Negative Emotions
Posted October 1, 2010
No one likes to feel – or be in the presence of – a negative emotion: sorrow, embarrassment, anger, disappointment. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant; sometimes really unpleasant. For many of us, our first response is to shut down the circuits, to move away from a negative emotion, ours or someone else’s. On a different day, our approach might be to move in to fix it, to take action we believe will alleviate the distress. The common underlying desire is to DO something to lesson the pain, ours or someone else’s. Especially when that ‘someone else’ is our spouse. (Read more…)
Someplace soft to fall
Posted September 14, 2010
Middle age. It sounds so much sexier in French: d’âge moyen. In German, it practically has a forgiving ring to it: Mittleres Lebensalter.
Sexiness and kindness are two attributes that soften the edgy terrain of middle-age. Let’s throw sense of humor into the mix as well. Resilience seems to come on its own accord. The rest we have to coax.
From this older vantage point, life’s landscape is significantly more layered; at times rocky yet also soulful and labyrinthine. Two phrases I keep hearing: “Well, it’s complicated.” And “I never imagined I’d find myself here!”
But here we indeed are. (Read more…)
