The skills needed to be a successful broker, a gifted carpenter, a dedicated schoolteacher or a fighter pilot, are not the same skills called upon to be a good partner. As adults we spend the vast majority of our time in our livelihood, be it an occupation or be it raising children and running a home. Many skills that are valuable in a professional or business setting, are actually detrimental in certain arenas of an intimate relationship. (Read more…)
As much as I would love to, I cannot take credit for this great metaphor. Hats off to Andy Greendorfer, a brilliant clinician in Seattle who said:
‘Repair’ is the duct tape of relationship – it’s versatile, it’s strong and a little bit can go a long way. Effective repair is like hitting the reset button. It gets communication back on track.
So true, so completely true.
The concept of Repair is another gem from John Gottman’s research on the “Masters of marriage. Repair are those expressions – verbal and nonverbal – used during or after conflict to soothe, to invite softness or to maintain connection with one’s partner.
John’s research shows that the masters of marriage stumble as much as the rest of us. What they do differently is they are consistently gentle with one another; they are kind and they right their boat quickly by ‘repairing’.
Examples of relational repairs are accepting responsibility, offering an apology or a touch. Taking a step toward one’s partner’s point of view is a very potent form of repair: ”I didn’t think of it that way. What you’re saying makes a ton a sense.” ”You’re right. I really was defensive.”
Repair early and repair often.
No one likes to feel – or be in the presence of – a negative emotion: sorrow, embarrassment, anger, disappointment. It’s uncomfortable, unpleasant; sometimes really unpleasant. For many of us, our first response is to shut down the circuits, to move away from a negative emotion, ours or someone else’s. On a different day, our approach might be to move in to fix it, to take action we believe will alleviate the distress. The common underlying desire is to DO something to lesson the pain, ours or someone else’s. Especially when that ‘someone else’ is our spouse. (Read more…)
